In Act III, Scene II of King Lear, the titan of Britain himself faces a siege of tempestuous winds. Railing against the Freudian mammaries of Mother Nature, Lear calls out, “Blow winds, and crack your cheeks!” If the winds of change be the northward gust of Shakespeare’s imagination, then the moderate and left flanks of the Democrat Party are the city’s cheeks. Today, Election Day, they crack open. I simply pray that the gas they emit be not one of radical socialism.
Zohran Mamdani, 33, upended New York’s mayoral race in a dubious poll yesterday that showed the state assemblyman from Queens winning in the final round of ranked choice voting. For Mamdani, and his army of young, nubile, college twinks, this must have come as a cause célèbre. I can only imagine the despicable bodily contortions that occurred in the bowels of La Caverna, the multitudes of polycules that writhed in agony and ecstasy as Mamdani jutted out his electric grin from the physical mass like Miyazaki’s No-Face, while a chorus of disembodied orgasmic cries repeated “Globalize the intifada.”
Of course we can’t know for sure that this is what transpired. And for all the “energy” around Mr. Mamdani, we should make a few things perfectly clear. First and foremost, while it’s true that the socialist from Queens is 33 years old, this is no excuse to compare him to Christ. According to medieval calculations of scripture, Jesus was 33 upon his crucifixion, but more modern interpretations have the Lord’s birth four years prior to 0 C.E., meaning that Jesus could very well have been 37 at the time of his death. Sorry to introduce you to the rules of chess, all you #HotgirlsforZohran. Checkmate.
Second, Mamdani’s policies will bankrupt the city. “Free childcare, free buses, free love!”, Mamdani’s acolytes exclaim in Joni Mitchell-style open tuning. Yet the assemblyman, known for his viral Facebook and Myspace videos, simply doesn’t understand economics. While pushing the corporate tax rate and freezing rent for 2 million tenants sounds like a good idea, what Mamdani fails to advertise in his slogans are the unavoidable tradeoffs of governance. In order to implement these policies, Mamdani will have to negotiate with Albany.
See, see!? You see how hard it is to do anything!? Dear reader, it’s only responsible and intelligent that you take the failure of democratic representation to represent the democracy not as a testament to the need for deep systemic change, but as a means of talking down to others at parties and functions. You see, in every moderate Democrat, there’s a scared little middle-schooler trying to get out. Let me explain. When I was a virginal tween, I began to notice the social dynamics in physical attractiveness. I started to see that those with confidence tended to be athletic, charming, and popular. These were tenets I didn’t have, and as my adolescence progressed, my sense of isolation and loathing for those who had confidence only deepened. Therefore, I developed a wonderfully healthy psychic association between passion and popularity, between the brazen ability to speak from the heart and the exclusion I felt as a child.
So you’ll forgive me when I say that every time I come across a picture of college students encamped at Columbia, all I see is the cheerleader who rejected me in high school donning a keffiyeh and N-95. I really couldn’t give a shit what they’re protesting about. The point is that they’re young, confident, and attractive. These are things that I’m not, and therefore, the problem must be them and their youth. So sorry, Gen-Z, if I refuse to condemn war crimes and whatever cool thing you’re talking about today.
How does this impact today’s mayoral race? Well let’s just say that Mamdani, for all his Christ-like ambition, is simply the flavor of the moment. His supple thighs and rugged facial hair notwithstanding, Mamdani will fold like a rug toward the Trump Administration.
Compare this to his opponent, Mr. Cuomo. Now, clearly, I can’t outwardly endorse Mr. Cuomo, as I was among several to call out the former governor on his less-than-respectable behavior several years ago. But that’s all in the past, and as Mr. Cuomo’s squash game has improved, so have his convictions surrounding important issues. Cuomo’s more radical left leanings have softened since his resignation, and he seems more politically in-tune with the average voter.
You see, readers, what the Democrat Party needs are more level-headed moderates in the fray. I’m talking abundance, I’m talking Yimby-ism, I’m talking meeting young men on their fringe podcasts and online forums. For me, the Democrat Party shouldn’t have any real convictions; it’s merely a toy to play with every two years. And what better message to poor, disenfranchised voters than to constantly shift on policy positions with no clear through-line of principled thought? We’ve tried the communist approach with Kamala Harris and Joe Biden, and it simply didn’t work (I’ll disclose here briefly that I worked on both those campaigns in high-ranking positions.)
Back to the mayoral race. Andrew Cuomo harassed several women, killed thousands during the pandemic, and stole millions from the MTA. But you have to remember that he has experience. And while Cuomo’s policies won’t help you, and while he’ll still steal from the city’s budget (and is clearly only using the mayorship as a stepping stone to run in 2028), I feel more comfortable knowing that the status quo will continue. So, I use my silly little six-figured bully pulpit to give offer a simple message. Voting against your own interests actually makes you really smart, and will scratch a really mature itch to seek revenge against 18-year-olds.
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Garth Binks is a contributing reporter and author of the book, “Broke Mob: A Crash Course on Economics for SJW’s” @whatbinksthinks
