Garth Binks: Well, Beth. If this election autopsy were any more premature it would be a teenage harlot.
Beth Sheds: As someone who dabbles in mortuary science, I’m going to say there’s pineapple in the stomach. So to speak. Did you ever follow the Jon Benet case?
Garth Binks: No, but I was Tonya Harding’s handler for a spell in the late 90’s. We had some great nights during her Olympic tryouts as well as some lively disagreements on natural gas. Beth, what’s the Center Left have to do to mop up the electorate? Or is the diasporic dichotomy of the effervescent emulsification of this country sclerotic—to quote Kerouac—“like dogs”?
Beth Sheds: The Center Left is like a third ball. It has all the promise of virility but in practice just gets in the way. My ex husband, well, I guess he was just my regular husband until he died (Off the coast of Monaco, which I will just say has some beautiful morgues) had a third ball. It turned out to be a tumor! So suffice to say, this week has been hard for me, personally. What was your question? Yes, I am single.
Garth Binks: Unfortunately, I haven’t had the luxury of dealing with tertiary testicles in the abstract. I summered in Bali in ‘87 while the Iran-Contra scandal blew over. One of my chefs told me of a mink farm in the mountains that held a ceremonial gelding of the first-born in service of the eunuch-God Byon, whose third was removed in the Great Emasculation Flood. Turns out my chef was actually Methodist and made up the entire story just to screw with me. That peculiar revelation hit me halfway down the mountain as I left a trail of blood and fluid from my now half-lifed manhood. I was emergency-aired to an experimental men’s reproductive clinic in Jakarta where a revolving team of 17 physicians implanted testicles of bats, sloths, and Tasmanian Devils, hoping that at least one would take. Finally, Suharto’s nephew ceded one of his masculine mascarpones in a show of our nations’ shared commitment to anti-communism. It eventually split in two like the Substance, a witty, thought-provoking film I recently saw in Van Nuys. Beth, why is the Left losing the Culture War?
Beth Sheds: The Left will always sacrifice winning for being in the Right. Both morally and sexually. The Black Bloc is all tough until Lauren Boebert re-enacts a Carl’s Jr. ad all over their Prius. The Left isn’t interested in carnality anymore.
Garth Binks: Your unfettered eloquence necessitates no substitution of character, tranquility, or substantiated transfiguration. Your honesty in using such pseudo-erotic political terms whilst remaining aware of the potential consequences is textbook-Sheds. Not to get cute, but let’s discuss someone who is fettered, Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman, a radical-Left progressive whose hoodies are about as ill-fitting as his vegan underwear.
Beth Sheds: Look, I hate to talk about someone else’s health but none of this would’ve happened to him on the Liquid meat diet. Even the Zionism. One sip of Red (meat) and goodbye Bibi!
Garth Binks: My oh my, Beth, are we in the Katz’s Diner scene of When Harry Met Sally (saw it right after The Substance)? Cause order me up one Senator Special. I’ll take the Zionism, but hold the unprofessional attire! In all seriousness, we’re here in part to discuss something very special: your new liquid meat supplements. If I recall correctly, the meat in these suppositories are from orphaned cows not over a day old. Some of them are farmed at your plant in Iowa, while others are imports from Saskatchewan and other developing nations. Beth, tell me, how’d you come up with this idea?
Beth Sheds: When my husband’s body was being eviscerated (French custom, yes there’s still a silent minority in Monaco)—look I don’t want to get into my personal history. But let’s just say chewing is the number one source of cancer-causing stressors. Your APT1 reductor and the Zinea neutrality stimulator in your brain remembers chewing as a biologically susceptible time. Swathes of people lost to history, due to animal attacks while chewing, or choking on something too dry and gristly. The point is, it’s my life; forget the chew— I want to spend it swallowing. Garth, I brought you a warm pack— 5 liters of the bison blend. What do you think?
Garth Binks: It’s less painful going in than it is coming out. I’ll be honest that I have quite the splenetic relationship with those hairy beasts. My parents’ summer ranch in Nevada housed the single most populous herd of bison in the 20th Century. Tragically, this was within the fallout zone of the military’s first nuclear tests, a proximity my father fought tooth and nail for in order to curry favor with the Dulleses. This wiped out about 90% of the herd, the group itself representing the remainder of the species in the Continental United States. Fascinatingly enough, the 10% that survived developed advanced cognitive and emotional traits that exceeded the abilities of most mammals. They could communicate, count, and even understand the concept of “zero.” These mutants soon developed their own hierarchical social structure that mirrored the contemporary Keynesian welfare state of Great Britain. One particularly bright one, “Ramona” as I called her, could even use primitive vocal calls to carry on simple conversations in English, German, and French. In speaking to Ramona, it was evident that this was more than a mongrel of the prairies. These creatures had souls. This made skinning and eating them all the more emotionally complicated. But enough about me. Beth, your liquid bison blend cleaned me out like a bottle of Draino. I feel like I’m easily 15 pounds thinner.
Beth Sheds: Oh wow. You know, I’ve never looked into the eyes of an animal.
Garth Binks: I think that’s a great place to stop. Beth, as always, it’s been enlightening.
Beth Sheds: Thank you Garth. When I’m back stateside let’s get together. I heard a rumor California’s lifting the moratorium on executions—how’s dinner and a show?
Garth Binks: You took the chair right out of my mouth, Sheds.
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Garth Binks is a contributing reporter and author of the book, “Broke Mob: A Crash Course on Economics for SJW’s” @whatbinksthinks
Beth Sheds is a contributing reporter and author of the book, “Eat, Slay, Love: Taylor Swift, Raytheon, and Me” @shedsheads on X and Meta.
