Good morning. Last night, the two major political party candidates for the office of vice president squared off in a debate on NBC. In an ode to the halcyon days of rounded rhetoric and dutiful debate, the night had a remarkably congenial tone. At various points, Senator J.D. Vance and “Governor” Tim Walz found areas of political, spiritual, and amorous agreement. Whereas the darkest, most divisive days of the last eight years have been made contentious with “pussy hats”, student protests, and biased journalism, the chemistry between these two men shone in warm technicolor lighting. Smiling down at Walz with fraternal desire, Vance brought forth a rousing gaze equal parts litigious and libidinous. And while Walz at points admirably acquitted his more radical humanitarian policies, he was not the star of the night.
Nay, this night belonged to Johnson Dabbler Vance, resolute in his poise and bearish virility. Vance, whose gruff beard stood in Christ-like contrast to his pre-pubescent face and moribund, piercing eyes, stole the show. You might as well call Vance a latter-day Ella Fitzgerald, because this debate performance was in and of itself a near-Sapphic rendition of Irving Burl Ives’s God Bless America. And while we don’t have photographic evidence of the future vice-president’s singing voice atop the Lincoln Memorial (not yet), we do have the next best thing: a clip of Vance courageously evading the question of whether or not Donald Trump lost the election in 2020.
Vance’s Hope and Courage
Vance showed that America is going to hell, all while expressing the utmost deference to former (and by most measures current) President Donald J. Trump. He did this by adamantly refusing to admit a stupid question from “Governor” Walz on whether Donald Trump lost the election in 2020. This was a high watermark of patriotism and plainspoken masculinity in the race. All the while, Vance’s shoulders were slouched firmly forward. One could almost see his buttocks tightening in Midwestern First Position (full clench) before relinquishing to Midwestern pas-de-bourree (sheepish incontinence.) I spoke with several Republicans, as well as Democrats who are still undecided, all of whom claimed that Vance’s fumbling answer was the sign of a political athlete, a speech-and-debate workhorse, an apostolic prosaic Don Juan of almost pornographic capability.
Compare this to the emasculated, exasperated cries of “Tim” Walz, the good ole boy Minnesotan who at several points reminded viewers of his Marxist stances on women’s freedoms. Walz’s communist policy plan read like something straight out of a Soviet politburo press wire. This isn’t to disparage Vladimir Putin, a hero and a Christian, but the Soviet Union which he worked under is as Tim Walz as Charlie INXS is “brat.” An important reminder that Putin should win in Ukraine.
The Issues
Abortion
Vance, gleaming with po-faced, po-boyed pugnacity, brilliantly recused himself from answering a direction question about a federal abortion ban. He also remained effusive in light of a churlish, shrill question from one of the “women” moderators concerning whether or not the Trump Administration would monitor the pregnancies of every woman in the country. This move that sounds exactly like China’s failed One Child Policy, which resulted in the deaths of thousands of women, led to horrific prenatal complications for hundreds of thousands more, and artificially created a population crisis that has bankrupted an entire generation. Don’t let any of this fool you, however, Tim Walz is as China as the Dare is LSD Soundsystme.
Israel
Loved both their answers on this.
Gaffs: “I became friends with school shooters.”
When Donald Trump exclaimed in the last debate that he “joined the Taliban“, he did so with gusto and confidence. Compare this to Tim Walz’s effeminate, demure exertion. It’s like comparing the phallic release of a Jackson Pollock to a carefully vaginal Georgia O’Keefe. It’s like comparing one of the great stars of cinema, Randy Quaid, to another Timothy, this one of the Chalamet variety, or even worse, Dennis Quaid.
A Victory for Vance and America
When polled about top issues, Americans consistently say that the economy and inflation rank higher than democracy, reproductive freedoms, and the billions we’re giving to bulldoze nations in the Middle East. And when Trump wins in November, he’ll show America just how much he cares about the economy and inflation, by imposing even more archaic forms of tax punishment while continuing to allow the 1% to evaporate any semblance of a middle class. He’ll show just how much he cares about the economy when he dismantles the Department of Education, disavowing millions of Americans from a shot at climbing up the socioeconomic ladder. He’ll show just how much he cares about the economy when he redirects any federal relief from worsening Climate Crisis disasters toward an incredibly expensive and taxpayer funded mass-deportation of whoever the hell he wants (Vance bravely refused to define where the deportations would end.)
All I can say is, as a wealthy man who’s been a political insider for over five decades, I’m proud of you, America. You’re really sticking it to the establishment. You yourself might not get any relief (as a matter of fact your life will probably get worse), but for a brief, beautiful moment, you’ll be satisfied with your bold choice in electing a dictator. That is of course, until the fascism we instill upon the rest of the planet turns its attention toward you and your family. But have you seen the price of eggs?
Garth Binks signing off.
In Competence We Trust is committed to publishing a diversity of letters to the editor. We’d like to hear what you think about this or any of our articles. Here are some tips. And here’s our email: letters@incompetencewetrust.com.
Garth Binks is a contributing reporter and author of the book, “Broke Mob: A Crash Course on Economics for SJW’s” @whatbinksthinks
